the anatomy of my madness

1.”you’re obsessed””

“no i’m not”

“then let go”

“of what” he spat, clutching the outline of where her throat should be

2. I can’t sleep

im too busy entangled in your

invisible love

3. i would read myself a story but I 

hate the sound of my voice

4. i missed you when you were

beside me

but I don’t miss you now that you’re gone

5.) it took 2 years to build herself up

and it took you 2 minutes to crush her

6. domenstic violence can be as

silent as scissors against skin

and as invisible as blood clots.

just because you can’t see or hear it,

does not mean it isn’t screaming for

haven

7.he bled the crimson for her blush

just so she feels beautiful

8.) cups of strong tea filled her

diluted pupils

earl grey
ginger lemon
chamomile
yet the caffeine was unable to

defibrillate her

paralyzed

heart

9.) i want to remember everything

you want to forget

you want to remember everything I

wish never

happened

10. you drive me mad

and you don’t even notice the

straitjacket of infatuation that you

strapped me in

11. i had a dream that we bought an

apartment together

it was the smallest place on earth

but i was perfectly fine with it

we laid on the living room floor

limbs entangled

whispering, “I love you”

((((It was only a dream, though it sprouted from a memory)))))

12. i dont know what’s worse

never meeting you

or reconciling with the fact that

I am not the center of your world

13. i always told you when the moon was out

because I loved the idea of looking

at you at 2 am while in my night

gown

(((just a thought)))

14. ive never felt so unbelievably lonely

((((a room full of people))))

15. i fail

and that is my only success

16. when did you become so

unfeeling

when did i just become a warm

body you could bury your nose in

17. i have lost so many versions of

myself to

unadulterated; unorthodox, fully vulnerable

addictive love that is growing like a cyst in my heart completely rooted in my vena cava

hours of study locked in my closet as metaphorical and literal as you can get

stepping on my throat in hallways because i can’t eat another bite of stress

starving myself because damn it felt good to dance on an empty stomach

laughing hysterically at my own incompetence because it’s 4am and I didn’t know that tears tasted like salt water taffy

looking at the moon and talking to you until I realized that you muted my number too busy listening to the sun

stuffing flowers down my esophagus because it makes the venom a little easier to swallow

lusting for fame when I can’t even mutter my own name

tearing at my eyes nose ears mouth chest because I spoke a bit too loudly and everyone is looking at me

stuttering tha tha tha thank you after you put a microphone to my very consciousness

burning books because i love hurting the things I love more than hurting myself

squeezing my eyes shut when I really should have covered my nose because I can still smell the alcohol on your breath, dad

slamming my head against my bedroom wall as hard as possible because maybe then I could amount to something

letting blood sweat tears saliva tears vomit drip from my every cavity because I wanted so badly to get rid of my damn individuality

cleaning my fingerprints off of everything I’ve ever touched because I don’t want any evidence of my existence

placing cotton balls between my toes so I won’t make a sound when I walk across your room to kiss you goodnight, mom

licking paint off my fingers because I was convinced pink tasted like happiness

crying in the girls washroom swearing at the tiles I made another mistake im sorry mom

trusting god for keeping the ones I love safe when in the end it was me who got fucked over

collecting bottles off the road hoping to help out around the house

knowing that I’m much to smart to be in a bad relationship but not being able to realize that I’ve been mistreating myself

staying up too late reading poetry because that’s the only midnight snack I allowed myself to eat

wishing that i discovered my morals earlier so I could be reversible

fiercely loving bad intentions because they are easier to explain

playing hide and seek by myself which was mostly me hiding from my babysitter while she seeked my punishment

counting calories despite the fact that my tongue hasn’t even left my mouth

kissing mosquito bites because at least someone wants what’s inside of me

clarifying all my personal secrets to people who had no business knowing my personal secrets

showering twice a day to get rid of today because yesterday’s tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow will be better

guilt ridden because of all the water I spent

loving four letter words

slim

fake

fear

tear

take

love

heal

cui bono?

18. just remember that you can never get rid of me

because even though i am not your

world

i am the moon

19. she’s the impossible girl

and it looks like she made your

suffocating dreams

nightmares

20. i had another anxiety attack

when my screams got trapped in my

throat

pulling my vocal folds apart

i got real quiet

21. it rained today

and i kissed the drops

before they hit the ground

because it felt good to break

someone else’s heart

((((i still apologied))))

22. beware

a woman like herself

loves so ferociously

that she belongs in a zoo

(((wild child)))

23. the anatomy of madness;

two hearts

three brains

four letter words

5 shaky fingers

and scissors 6 inches from my

tongue

24. i am a female

blossomed from bigotry

thankfully

my roots deatched from the source

and I grew into a protector

of the oppressed

25.  though my words are fury

my touch is soft

26. ” just let him go”

but that’s when she realized that

she shared a heart with them

a huge

passionate

thumping

unstoppable heart

27.  they didn’t notice that their

grey

was starting to dirty up her

white

and she was becoming one of them

28. “write more about your father”

if only i could write in

boozy browns

rum reds

vodka violets

margarita maroons

and whisky watercolours

then i would write him a mural

except I doubt he would listen

(((((he barely heard me cry “don’t go” in his sweater)))))

29. “goodbye!”

“hmp”

“what?”

“i don’t like goodbyes”

“well then why don’t we say hello?”

“okay, hello!”

“hello”

((((((you haven’t said hello in months)))))

30. im as foolish as you

we’re both chewing metal we can’t

bite into

they only difference is i can’t

compare you

to a piece of metal

31. oh uneven numbers

how they drip onto the floor

with palpitations

and drool

32. im on a new diet

for breakfast i lick the stale tears

off my face

and for lunch the medication i

forgot to take yesterday

((((im not okay. this is not okay)))

33. ” when i die please don’t put my

body in a coffin. just bury me with

flower seeds and my favourite

dress”

“i’ll come and water your flowers

everyday”

((((((lilies)))))))

34. like human garbage

i am going to throw you away

35. invisible boy,

I see you

36. i hate seeing her reel you in

like a fly in a web

im too scared to release you

her venom is killer

but I am willing

37. you are mistaken, my dear

for you may be a star

but i am the moon

38. every time we touch

our atoms intertwine

and my heart flutters so hard

that I’m worried it will fly

right out of my chest

39. there is a common misconception

that when you mistreat a woman

you should be praised

except

you should fear for your life

((((don’t you know you should never

tease the tiger))))))))

40. im perfectly content with being alone

as long as it’s with you

41. we are mountains

melding the tectonic plates that are our souls

into an indestructible figure above:

we are trees

branching out to the soil,

dependant on ourselves, giving oxygen to others;

we are your mothers

your sisters

your friends

your leaders

we are women

and we are extraordinary

42. dear boy with poetry written in his palms,

do not let anyone tell you that you are less than

exceptional

you are unforgettable

you are not static from the satellites

you are the sound of stars flying in the cosmos

you are the sound of

euphoria

(((((estactsy to my ears)))))))

43. blank pages and criss crossed butterflies

chapped skin and heartstrings

unravel me moon boy

with your ruby lips and

lavender cheeks;

overwhelming interactions,

spinning upside down,

tangled hair glued to the ceiling,

tiptoeing the tango,

sleeping heads stitched to each other

unravel me moon boy;

chasms split,

underwhelming passion,

cold harded mending done

with itchy finger tips

undo me moon boy 

erase my strange face from the

universe

release my atoms

untie me moon boy 

let my fluttering heart go

44. this is for the boys who cry in the locker room,

the boys that kiss their knuckles

the boys who kiss each other

the boys who pick flowers during recess

the boys afraid of their reflection

the boys with painted complexions

the boys with tears streaming down their faces

the boys hiding from their abusive lovers

the boys with long hair

the boys with butterfly tattoos

the boys who wear pink

the boys who sing

the boys who dance

the boys who write

the boys who laugh

the boys who love

the boys who are sick of being expected to be unfeeling and crude

the boys who jump in front of buses

this is for you

because boys can be victims too

(((((protect my boys)))))))

45. why must we raise our voices to be heard

while all they need to do is silently give orders

why must we speak for the earth while she has pleaded for mercy;

mercy for the trees,

mercy for the creatures,

mercy for the air,

mercy for the water;

have mercy for the earth

for she is our mother.

46. even if you choose someone else

I will still look back and smile,

because at least you knew

how much I loved you

(((((cross my heart and hope to die in your arms))))))

47.  people make it seem that

waiting  for someone is murderous

thankfully, my love for you is

invincible

and I will wait till I can no longer

keep my bones from sighing your name

((((((I’ll always be here for you))))))

48. i am not a child

though I may look as naive as some paint me

though i may be living in a young woman’s body

though i may pick flower petals wondering if he loves me

i have the soul of generations of wise women living behind my eyes and within my heart;

so go ahead and try to tell me that i’m too young and that

i’ll understand when I’m older,

i bet i’ve experienced four times as much as you have

in your magnificently long life,

sir

49. i’ll show you the streets of Paris

the fields of Iceland

the gardens of London

the jazz clubs of New Orleans;

no matter where we go,

i’ll always feel at home with you

50. i have a slight fear of bodies of

water

the deeper you look

the more lovers

you’ll find

(((((( wash off the men )))))))

51. i often think to myself:

how did I come about you? 

you brilliant thing, you 

it’s as if you flew down from the moon wearing

crow wings and

poetry in your palms

52. how come I see you?

am I invisible too?

53. i want you to love me the way

you love her,

even if it seems selfish for me to ask

like Darcy asking Elizabeth

for one more dance

((((is it your pride or my prejudice?))))

54. please tell me when you have

bad dreams

i want to be there to kiss your tears

And brush the tangles from your

hair

with my fingertips

55. in life there is always an

imbalance

an imbalance of love

sanity

family

honesty

trust

it’s almost as if there is a second part

of life that makes up for it all

(((((((death)))))))

56

57. colour is nothing to be ashamed of

where there is colour there is

strength

where there is diversity there is

harmony

58.

59. i’ve always been afraid to touch

your lips

for I do not know that softness of

your kiss

or the brutality of your bite

60. tell me your secrets

your adversities

your thoughts

your desires

((((((((i love complicated))))))))
62. it was the way you looked at me

today,

the way you gazed into my eyes

past my retinas and into my

nebula of secrets

that I promised myself to never

look away

((((((windows to the soul, i’ll promise to let you in))))

63. thank you for raising me to be

less

thank you for telling me how much

of  a burden I am to you

thank you for teaching me how NOT

to be a mother

(((((at least I learned something))))))

64. i have no one left to love

except for you

(((((((the boy with the poetry written in his palms))))))))

65. i feel as if i am constantly living

in antipation

your touch says yes

your words say no.

what does your heart say?

that i do not know

((((((((please tell me))))))))

66. she’s perfectly peculiar that girl

(me)

he’s brilliantly breathtaking that boy

(you)

together they are

captivating

(us?)

67. i unnerve myself

because

i am the one who holds the lighter

to my heart and presses down.

igniting my anxiety

which fuels my own

heartbreak

68. is everything well?

in your world

((((((i can be your pocket full of sunshine)))))

69. singers: crescendo

music: presto

dancing: fortissimo

me: in your arms

70.  darling, no matter how loud the

music is

no matter how many women

you waltz with

or how many men i tango

with

you will always be my dance

partner

for my heart can’t seem to grasp

a world without your

rhythm

((((((may i have this dance?)))))))

71. Alas, my love

as I sit here and recall our

happier times

i can not help but laugh

for a chuckle is better than a

sob

and a recollection is better than a

regret

72. i would stop time

so i could stay in your lap forever

as you listen to the beat of my

heart

and you’ll never have to tell me

that you miss me again

(((((I hope you feel the same)))))

73. i could sit and gaze at you

for hours

not even the fluttering of my eyelids

or the soreness of my neck could

prohibit me from leaning on my

palm and admiring you

(((((i’ve never seen a more exquisite man))))))

74. sometimes i wonder if my

poetry

discomforts you

because I can love quietly

if you prefer

(((((ive been doing it for years)))))

75. there is a world within our

world

one that floats in front of our heads

like smoke

though I often find myself lingering

above it

wishing my neck wasn’t so long

and society wasn’t so clouded

76. good god,

how I wish I could

end all suffering and take me with it

(((((((I’m so done))))))

77. i bet my shadow is so

depressed

for it has to follow me around all

day

(((((((who wouldn’t be)))))))

78. i mistook

blood under my fingernails

as paint.

it just goes to show that my

art

is my pain

79. can you not romanticize

suicide

it’s not poetic

it’s not pretty

it’s not romantic

it’s fucking serious

it’s a problem

it’s an epidemic

it’s horrid

and it’s nothing to fucking

romantize

(((((i came too close and i am beyond burnt))))))

80.  in a way

being drunk is like

catching a cold

except i wouldn’t mind

to kiss you when you’ve

had a little too much

champagne

(((((you’re intoxicating)))))

81. there are drunks who

are more dangerous to themselves

than others

and there are drunks who are

more dangerous to others

than themselves

alcohol does that to a person

no matter how much they may love

you

they will always love the bottle

more

82. just remember that the drunk

he was last night

is the same man who sang to you

in the morning

that doesn’t change that he still hurt

me, my dove

it’s just going to be you and I

mama and little dove

(((((did you forget you have a daughter? pathetic))))

83.  your eyes are imprinted in mine

your touch on my skin

your voice in my ears

your loveliness entangled in mine

(((((you are everything to me)))))

84. behind shut doors

a monster emerged

so hungry for love

she almost swallowed you whole

86. i miss public transit

there is so much intimacy in a

bus full of strangers

all with different thoughts

all with different knots

tugging at their hearts

87. oscar wilde once said:

” There is no such thing as a moral

or immoral book…

books are either well written

or badly written”

and you, mi amour,  are very well

written

((((((I could read you for hours)))))))

88. i want to get something straight,

i am not in love with your kisses

(though they are exceptional)

i am in love with you

therefore I expect nothing from you

other than for you to just be you

(((((i ask for nothing other than to bathe in your divine aura))))))

89. you only want him

when he is convenient for you

when he is bleeding for you

how much misery will you put him

though before he is gone

why must you blow him out like a

candle

only to burn him when he trusts

you;

you can have whatever you want

from me

my voice

my books

my lungs

my poetry

but please

please

don’t make me say goodbye to him

((((i cannot possibly see you spin him in your web, again)))))

90. there is no going back from my

love

for you are my

heart

you are my

air

(((((forever in my memories))

91.i am afraid of what you may

think

when you see that

my body is not a temple

that I am not a stunning beauty

i just own this body

i am afraid that I am not enough for

you

that you will see me and sneer

for you are blind to my

lopsided figure

(((((i just want to be good enough)))))

92. i want you to make love to my

mind

i want you to slip your fingers under

my insula

and kiss every nerve in my body

because even if my body is no

temple

my mind is a palace where i

am a deity

and I am unashamed of what you

may find

93. did you know that

sexual desire

has the same affect on the brain

as being addicted to drugs?

so there is logic within our

madness

and there is meaning within my

love

(((((((sensational))))))

94. it makes me laugh

whenever i see men degrade

diverse

educated

women in power

for their masculinity is so

fragile that they are accustomed to

believe that they are superior just

because they are men;

in many cases they are simply

jealous  for they do not have a

pHD in kicking ass

95. stop telling boys that

they’re supposed to like girls

pinning them against walls

stop telling girls that abuse is love

and that they were asking for it

stop telling boys that they’re not

allowed to cry

stop telling girls that they have to

please men

stop telling

and start educating 

96. i’ve started to count kisses

for i never know which shall be

my last

for when that kiss arrives

i will be sure to make it last

97. the boy who smells of burnt

amber

and the girl who smells of autumn

and spring

sit atop a hill and with no reasons to

love

but every reason to

stay

98. you have not felt the greatest

pain in love

and that is to

wait;

to sit unmovingly as the love of your

life seeks another woman

to hear him say ” I don’t love you in

that way”

to love quietly

from a distance

to not expect anything

to wait

as if i have all the time in the world

(((((((i dont but i can’t bring myself to go anywhere, why would I want to?))))))))

99. there is no need to fear the

monsters under your bed

for they are always there in your

darkest of times;

fear the monsters in the streets

for they have no problems with

snapping you in two

((((((sweet dreams))))))

100. a curtain of hair shields her face

the sun as her lights

the wind as her music

her face is a stage where her

eyes dance

searching for the light in his irises

her nose twitches

breathing in his ecstasy

her lips tremor

hungry for a partner…

and there he is

((((((((showtime))))))))

101. “how can you be everything

and nothing at the same time?”

“you love someone that doesn’t love

you back”

102. you know what they say,

it’s all fun and games

till someone falls in love

103. i always marvel at women

who can love man after man

whereas i struggle to keep one at

my side

(((((((( i’m just not good enough))))

104. have you ever loved so deeply

that you become invisible?

(((((((3 missed calls))))))))))

105. my hand skims my ribs and

they do not feel human

they do not feel like they encompass

lungs

air

life

love

therefore

my ribs have failed me

for they have done a terrible job of

protecting my heart

106. my heart has been a residence

for you

i change the sheets every day and

water the plants

i go through so many lengths to

make sure you are comfortable;

while i am homeless

for i have realized that your heart

is occupied

(((((((knock knock)))))))

107. when the ocean of tears is dry

what will you write about,dear?

great warriors who’ve worn

fear around their ankles

boys who have pink blood

splattered on their shoe laces

or the wind as it kisses your neck

and spider laced fingertips

what will you write about, dear,

when the army of maggots slither

down your eye sockets and heart

shaped lips?

(((((dead lovers don’t lie))))))

108. my love is more than

chemical

it’s organic

born from obsidian and ink

written in blood and ritual

it sends you out of damnation and

gouges the very devil that sent you

there

love is powerful

love is dangerous

love is anarchy

love is bloody

(((((((look at the mess you made))))))

109. your milky eyes

have opened mine

to all the light I could not see

the song for my inspiration

has the melody of you and

Clair de Lune

ma chérie

((((((((for m.l))))))))

110. im known to be trilingual

for i am fluent in

the mother tongue

the muffles of lips pressed together

and

poetry

((((( Je serai poète et toi poèsie)))))

110. i seemed to be the only one

whispering

reciting

bleeding

in the dark

but then the most extraordinary

occurred

the darkness formed into a man

and a woman

and i wasn’t so lonely anymore.

it’s as if you’re never quite alone

when the dark is filled with so many

ghosts

the unknown

111. ive said once that when the

universe was created

our atoms were intertwined

of the same mind

when the universe was shattered

we became estranged,

and we’ve finally found each other

both unafraid

both unholy

both starved

yet you won’t admit it

112. unlike my mother,

i am not a woman of music

rather of words

of poems, not songs

for to sing is to be beautiful

to write is to be ruthless

don’t underestimate my song,

for under my skin

under my rhythm is a mirror

and an abyss,

which one will you look into,

i wonder

113. you’re so cruel in your ways

of being irresitable

yet untouchable

my air and my poison

my creator and monster

my muse and my block,

alas i am patient

and will wait, starved of your love

114. you’ve often asked me why I am

so in love with you

you’ve asked me why i’ve chosen

you, and

i have not chosen to love you

like a tree does not choose to grow

leaves.

((((((loving you gives me life))))))

115. is it possible for skin to

remember past caresses

past kisses

past touches?

my skin,

it aches for you

my heart

it beats for you

(((((((forever loyal))))))

116. read my poetry at a whisper.

if you are to speak to loudly,

my words will simply scamper from

your mouth and onto the floor.

it’s a rather difficult stain to get out

(((((((((engraved)))))))))))

117. how lonely it must feel

to write about the past

there’s no one there but frozen

glass left in forgotten cabs and

footprints pressed gently into the

place where my father fell and it

is rather sad

(((((I hate living in the same house wher my innocence fled))))))))))

118. my only wish is to take up as

little space as possible.

shrink myself so small that all is left

of me is a thin notebook

and a dry quill pen

119. the more pressure i put on my

body and brain

the faster it will mould to fit my

desires

120. there are so many faces

swimming in the fluids of my

conscious

that im certain that i was the one

among them to drown

121. whenever i look at you

i have to rub my eyes to make sure

i’m not dreaming

((((((how can i be so in love))))))

122. i can’t imagine looking into

someone’s eyes and not seeing you.

it’s as if you’ve blinded me with

your love

((((((i sorta like it)))))

123. a knock on the door

hesitantly, i unlock it

you said you would never come back 

well here I am

give me one more year please.i’m not ready for you 

i start to close the door but she sticks her foot in the crack.

a flow of smoke escaped her lips and  fills my entire heart with venom

please, i cough, i’m not ready 

well I am

(((((((there’s a part of me, that can’t be traced in anatomy))))))
until next time

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