the anatomy of my madness

1.”you’re obsessed””

“no i’m not”

“then let go”

“of what” he spat, clutching the outline of where her throat should be

2. I can’t sleep

im too busy entangled in your

invisible love

3. i would read myself a story but I 

hate the sound of my voice

4. i missed you when you were

beside me

but I don’t miss you now that you’re gone

5.) it took 2 years to build herself up

and it took you 2 minutes to crush her

6.) how is there more fruit in woman’s shampoo

than on a poor child`s plate?

7.) he bled the crimson for her blush

just so she feels beautiful

8.) cups of strong tea filled her

diluted pupils

earl grey
ginger lemon
chamomile
yet the caffeine was unable to

defibrillate her

paralyzed

heart

9.) i want to remember everything

you want to forget

you want to remember everything I

wish never

happened

10. you drive me mad

and you don’t even notice the

straitjacket of infatuation that you

strapped me in

11. i had a dream that we bought an

apartment together

it was the smallest place on earth

but i was perfectly fine with it

we laid on the living room floor

limbs entangled

whispering, “I love you”

((((It was only a dream, though it sprouted from a memory)))))

12. i dont know what’s worse

never meeting you

or reconciling with the fact that

I am not the center of your world

13. i always told you when the moon was out

because I loved the idea of looking

at you at 2 am while in my night

gown

(((just a thought)))

14. ive never felt so unbelievably lonely

((((a room full of people))))

15. i fail

and that is my only success

16. when did you become so

unfeeling

when did i just become a warm

body you could bury your nose in

17. i have lost so many versions of

myself to

unadulterated; unorthodox, fully vulnerable

addictive love that is growing like a cyst in my heart completely rooted in my vena cava

hours of study locked in my closet as metaphorical and literal as you can get

stepping on my throat in hallways because i can’t eat another bite of stress

starving myself because damn it felt good to dance on an empty stomach

laughing hysterically at my own incompetence because it’s 4am and I didn’t know that tears tasted like salt water taffy

looking at the moon and talking to you until I realized that you muted my number too busy listening to the sun

stuffing flowers down my esophagus because it makes the venom a little easier to swallow

lusting for fame when I can’t even mutter my own name

tearing at my eyes nose ears mouth chest because I spoke a bit too loudly and everyone is looking at me

stuttering tha tha tha thank you after you put a microphone to my very consciousness

burning books because i love hurting the things I love more than hurting myself

squeezing my eyes shut when I really should have covered my nose because I can still smell the alcohol on your breath, dad

slamming my head against my bedroom wall as hard as possible because maybe then I could amount to something

letting blood sweat tears saliva tears vomit drip from my every cavity because I wanted so badly to get rid of my damn individuality

cleaning my fingerprints off of everything I’ve ever touched because I don’t want any evidence of my existence

placing cotton balls between my toes so I won’t make a sound when I walk across your room to kiss you goodnight, mom

licking paint off my fingers because I was convinced pink tasted like happiness

crying in the girls washroom swearing at the tiles I made another mistake im sorry mom

trusting god for keeping the ones I love safe when in the end it was me who got fucked over

collecting bottles off the road hoping to help out around the house

knowing that I’m much to smart to be in a bad relationship but not being able to realize that I’ve been mistreating myself

staying up too late reading poetry because that’s the only midnight snack I allowed myself to eat

wishing that i discovered my morals earlier so I could be reversible

fiercely loving bad intentions because they are easier to explain

playing hide and seek by myself which was mostly me hiding from my babysitter while she seeked my punishment

counting calories despite the fact that my tongue hasn’t even left my mouth

kissing mosquito bites because at least someone wants what’s inside of me

clarifying all my personal secrets to people who had no business knowing my personal secrets

showering twice a day to get rid of today because yesterday’s tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow will be better

guilt ridden because of all the water I spent

loving four letter words

slim

fake

fear

tear

take

love

heal

cui bono?

18. just remember that you can never get rid of me

because even though i am not your

world

i am the moon

19. she’s the impossible girl

and it looks like she made your

suffocating dreams

nightmares

20. i had another anxiety attack

when my screams got trapped in my

throat

pulling my vocal folds apart

i got real quiet

21. it rained today

and i kissed the drops

before they hit the ground

because it felt good to break

someone else’s heart

((((i still apologied))))

22. beware

a woman like herself

loves so ferociously

that she belongs in a zoo

(((wild child)))

23. the anatomy of madness;

two hearts

three brains

four letter words

5 shaky fingers

and scissors 6 inches from my

tongue

24. i am a female

blossomed from bigotry

thankfully

my roots deatched from the source

and I grew into a protector

of the oppressed

25.  though my words are fury

my touch is soft

26. ” just let him go”

but that’s when she realized that

she shared a heart with them

a huge

passionate

thumping

unstoppable heart

27.  they didn’t notice that their

grey

was starting to dirty up her

white

and she was becoming one of them

28. “write more about your father”

if only i could write in

boozy browns

rum reds

vodka violets

margarita maroons

and whisky watercolours

then i would write him a mural

except I doubt he would listen

(((((he barely heard me cry “don’t go” in his sweater)))))

29. “goodbye!”

“hmp”

“what?”

“i don’t like goodbyes”

“well then why don’t we say hello?”

“okay, hello!”

“hello”

((((((you haven’t said hello in months)))))

30. im as foolish as you

we’re both chewing metal we can’t

bite into

they only difference is i can’t

compare you

to a piece of metal

31. oh uneven numbers

how they drip onto the floor

with palpitations

and drool

32. im on a new diet

for breakfast i lick the stale tears

off my face

and for lunch the medication i

forgot to take yesterday

33. ” when i die please don’t put my

body in a coffin. just bury me with

flower seeds and my favourite

dress”

“i’ll come and water your flowers

everyday”

((((((lilies)))))))

34. like human garbage

i am going to throw you away

35. invisible boy,

I see you

36. i hate seeing her reel you in

like a fly in a web

im too scared to release you

her venom is killer

but I am willing

37. you are mistaken, my dear

for you may be a star

but i am the moon

38. every time we touch

our atoms intertwine

and my heart flutters so hard

that I’m worried it will fly

right out of my chest

39. there is a common misconception

that when you mistreat a woman

you should be praised

except

you should fear for your life

((((don’t you know you should never

tease the tiger))))))))

40. im perfectly content with being alone

as long as it’s with you

41. we are mountains

melding the tectonic plates that are our souls

into an indestructible figure above:

we are trees

branching out to the soil,

dependant on ourselves, giving oxygen to others;

we are your mothers

your sisters

your friends

your leaders

we are women

and we are extraordinary

42. dear boy with poetry written in his palms,

do not let anyone tell you that you are less than

exceptional

you are unforgettable

you are not static from the satellites

you are the sound of stars flying in the cosmos

you are the sound of

euphoria

(((((estactsy to my ears)))))))

43. blank pages and criss crossed butterflies

chapped skin and heartstrings

unravel me moon boy

with your ruby lips and

lavender cheeks;

overwhelming interactions,

spinning upside down,

tangled hair glued to the ceiling,

tiptoeing the tango,

sleeping heads stitched to each other

unravel me moon boy;

chasms split,

underwhelming passion,

cold harded mending done

with itchy finger tips

undo me moon boy 

erase my strange face from the

universe

release my atoms

untie me moon boy 

let my fluttering heart go

44. this is for the boys who cry in the locker room,

the boys that kiss their knuckles

the boys who kiss each other

the boys who pick flowers during recess

the boys afraid of their reflection

the boys with painted complexions

the boys with tears streaming down their faces

the boys hiding from their abusive lovers

the boys with long hair

the boys with butterfly tattoos

the boys who wear pink

the boys who sing

the boys who dance

the boys who write

the boys who laugh

the boys who love

the boys who are sick of being expected to be unfeeling and crude

the boys who jump in front of buses

this is for you

because boys can be victims too

(((((protect my boys)))))))

45. why must we raise our voices to be heard

while all they need to do is silently give orders

why must we speak for the earth while she has pleaded for mercy;

mercy for the trees,

mercy for the creatures,

mercy for the air,

mercy for the water;

have mercy for the earth

for she is our mother.

46. even if you choose someone else

I will still look back and smile,

because at least you knew

how much I loved you

(((((cross my heart and hope to die in your arms))))))

47.  people make it seem that

waiting  for someone is murderous

thankfully, my love for you is

invincible

and I will wait till I can no longer

keep my bones from sighing your name

((((((I’ll always be here for you))))))

48. i am not a child

though I may look as naive as some paint me

though i may be living in a young woman’s body

though i may pick flower petals wondering if he loves me

i have the soul of generations of wise women living behind my eyes and within my heart;

so go ahead and try to tell me that i’m too young and that

i’ll understand when I’m older,

i bet i’ve experienced four times as much as you have

in your magnificently long life,

sir

49. i’ll show you the streets of Paris

the fields of Iceland

the gardens of London

the jazz clubs of New Orleans;

no matter where we go,

i’ll always feel at home with you

50. i have a slight fear of bodies of

water

the deeper you look

the more lovers

you’ll find

(((((( wash off the men )))))))

51. i often think to myself:

how did I come about you? 

you brilliant thing, you 

it’s as if you flew down from the moon wearing

crow wings and

poetry in your palms

52. how come I see you?

am I invisible too?

53. i want you to love me the way

you love her,

even if it seems selfish for me to ask

like Darcy asking Elizabeth

for one more dance

((((is it your pride or my prejudice?))))

54. please tell me when you have

bad dreams

i want to be there to kiss your tears

And brush the tangles from your

hair

with my fingertips

55. in life there is always an

imbalance

an imbalance of love

sanity

family

honesty

trust

it’s almost as if there is a second part

of life that makes up for it all

(((((((death)))))))

56. sadness is like catching a cold

depression is like cancer

(((((terminal))))))

57. colour is nothing to be ashamed of

where there is colour there is

strength

where there is diversity there is

harmony

58. freedom of speech means that

you can say and think what you please

without being arrested

it does not give you a free pass to act

like an asshole

(((garbage for government)))

59. i’ve always been afraid to touch

your lips

for I do not know that softness of

your kiss

or the brutality of your bite

60. tell me your secrets

your adversities

your thoughts

your desires

((((((((i love complicated))))))))
62. it was the way you looked at me

today,

the way you gazed into my eyes

past my retinas and into my

nebula of secrets

that I promised myself to never

look away

((((((windows to the soul, i’ll promise to let you in))))

63. thank you for raising me to be

less

thank you for telling me how much

of  a burden I am to you

thank you for teaching me how NOT

to be a mother

(((((at least I learned something))))))

64. i have no one left to love

except for you

(((((((the boy with the poetry written in his palms))))))))

65. i feel as if i am constantly living

in antipation

your touch says yes

your words say no.

what does your heart say?

that i do not know

((((((((please tell me))))))))

66. she’s perfectly peculiar that girl

(me)

he’s brilliantly breathtaking that boy

(you)

together they are

captivating

(us?)

67. i unnerve myself

because

i am the one who holds the lighter

to my heart and presses down.

igniting my anxiety

which fuels my own

heartbreak

68. is everything well?

in your world

((((((i can be your pocket full of sunshine)))))

69. singers: crescendo

music: presto

dancing: fortissimo

me: in your arms

70.  darling, no matter how loud the

music is

no matter how many women

you waltz with

or how many men i tango

with

you will always be my dance

partner

for my heart can’t seem to grasp

a world without your

rhythm

((((((may i have this dance?)))))))

71. Alas, my love

as I sit here and recall our

happier times

i can not help but laugh

for a chuckle is better than a

sob

and a recollection is better than a

regret

72. i would stop time

so i could stay in your lap forever

as you listen to the beat of my

heart

and you’ll never have to tell me

that you miss me again

(((((I hope you feel the same)))))

73. i could sit and gaze at you

for hours

not even the fluttering of my eyelids

or the soreness of my neck could

prohibit me from leaning on my

palm and admiring you

(((((i’ve never seen a more exquisite man))))))

74. sometimes i wonder if my

poetry

discomforts you

because I can love quietly

if you prefer

(((((ive been doing it for years)))))

75. there is a world within our

world

one that floats in front of our heads

like smoke

though I often find myself lingering

above it

wishing my neck wasn’t so long

and society wasn’t so clouded

76. good god, 

how I wish I could 

end all suffering and take me with it

(((((((I’m so done))))))

77. i bet my shadow is so 

depressed 

for it has to follow me around all 

day 

(((((((who wouldn’t be)))))))

78. i mistook 

blood under my fingernails 

as paint.

it just goes to show that my 

art 

is my pain

79. can you not romanticize 

suicide

it’s not poetic

it’s not pretty

it’s not romantic

it’s fucking serious 

it’s a problem 

it’s an epidemic 

it’s horrid 

and it’s nothing to fucking 

romantize 

(((((i came too close and i am beyond burnt))))))

80.  in a way 

being drunk is like 

catching a cold 

except i wouldn’t mind 

to kiss you when you’ve 

had a little too much 

champagne 

(((((you’re intoxicating)))))

81. there are drunks who 

are more dangerous to themselves

than others 

and there are drunks who are 

more dangerous to others 

than themselves 

alcohol does that to a person 

no matter how much they may love 

you 

they will always love the bottle 

more

82. just remember that the drunk 

he was last night 

is the same man who sang to you 

in the morning 

that doesn’t change that he still hurt 

me, my dove 

it’s just going to be you and I

mama and little dove 

(((((did you forget you have a daughter? pathetic))))

83.  your eyes are imprinted in mine

your touch on my skin 

your voice in my ears 

your loveliness entangled in mine 

(((((you are everything to me)))))

84. behind shut doors

a monster emerged 

so hungry for love 

she almost swallowed you whole

86. i miss public transit 

there is so much intimacy in a 

bus full of strangers 

all with different thoughts 

all with different knots

tugging at their hearts 

87. oscar wilde once said:

” There is no such thing as a moral

or immoral book…

books are either well written 

or badly written” 

and you, mi amour,  are very well 

written 

((((((I could read you for hours)))))))

88. i want to get something straight,

i am not in love with your kisses 

(though they are exceptional)

i am in love with you 

therefore I expect nothing from you

other than for you to just be you 

(((((i ask for nothing other than to let me bathe in your divine aura))))))

89. you only want him 

when he is convenient for you 

when he is bleeding for you 

how much misery will you put him 

though before he is gone 

why must you blow him out like a 

candle 

only to burn him when he trusts 

you;

you can have whatever you want 

from me

my voice 

my books 

my lungs 

my poetry 

but please

please 

don’t make me say goodbye to him 

((((i cannot possibly see you spin him in your web, again)))))