Starved of Your Love: A Letter to Rejection, Jealousy, and Heartbreak

 

It was the way you curled my hair around your thumb that first gave me the impression that you loved me. We bumped into each other in the hallways and exchanged expressions of admiration. Eventually, I woke up to thoughts of you and fell asleep to the idea of me spinning right into your arms.They were silly dreams and desperate inhibitions. Then you curled my hair around your thumb and I really believed that it was coming true. I thought maybe, just maybe, I could devote myself to you. And you let me. You didn’t tell me there was someone else. I thought it was over between you two.

 

I was wrong.

 

There is something so strange about falling in love with someone who simply doesn’t feel the same way about you. Rejection seems so simple and insignificant until you feel it yourself. It becomes a daily cause of emotional sickness, and desperation. After rejection, many would give up, move on; I didn’t. I kept trying and I ended up selling all the puzzle pieces that make me an individual.

Just for you.

And ,frankly, you owe me. When I first gave you my everything, I thought you would keep it. Keep it safe like ancient books or glass necklaces. I wish you did. I don’t know if you threw it all out by accident or if you just didn’t care enough.

I bet if I tasted like her;like the way you described her to me, then you would have cared. She sounds like a load of sappy poems and saucy glances. And that was enough for you. I gave you so much more than sappy poems and saucy glances. I gave you my words, all of them, every syllable, for you. And they went right through you. Past your cover, and pages. Not a single ink drop blotted you. I was nothing and everything at the same time . I should rip up your pages and tear your cover, because of what you did to me. I want so badly to hurt you.

I could never hurt you.

Every time I saw you, my chest contracted, lungs filled with tar. My favourite days were the days I got to look at you. Look into your moonlight eyes for just a minute and let your effulgence illuminate my soul. My atoms intertwined with yours.Do you even know how you left me? Do you know how you LEFT me? I didn’t breathe for months just to avoid the whiff of loose pieces of your heart that you keep leaving around; hoping to snare her.

You snared me instead.

You entrapped me, I haven’t been able to detach myself from you.  Ever since you twirled my hair around your thumb.

 

I spent hours sobbing into my childhood pillows-not because of scraped knees or quarrels with friends- it was because I couldn’t stand the idea of you disregarding my words for hers. Her’s were so sharp while mine were passionate- though her’s were more alluring. Her words became poisonous but like a drug you kept on getting stung and stung. She wove spider webs around your heart with her damn words.

 

I just wanted you to love me.

 

And I have not been the first one to want that. How many women have you lured into your home? How many have you stolen from? Why did I have to be one of them? You showed me your affection in exchange for my words, and I gave them to you. I wish I could go and take it all back. Find the woman I once was and scream at her for being so foolish; to allow men into her soul and give out her words like candy. I am worth so much more than what you have given me.

 

Which is nothing but a never ending heartbreak.

 

You said that I am not your favourite flavour but you didn’t even have a taste of me. Though, maybe you’re right; I’m not your favourite flavour. Because I don’t taste like fake I love you’s. I don’t taste like forgotten birthdays. I don’t taste like sappy poems and saucy glances. I don’t taste like bullshit. I don’t taste like her.

 

You gave me a bite of you; when you curled my hair around your thumb.

 

And you left me so hungry.

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